August 16th, 2007

Current Music: it's a fire - portishead Subject: zilch Time: 03:39 am Current Mood: mellow

it's 3 plus in the morning and i'm reading past entries posted by various ljers - with my cigarettes and portishead for company. i think it's my way of getting in touch with the happenings in the gay community; given the fact that my pink-indicator is almost down to zero.

comments: Leave a comment

August 7th, 2007

Current Music: piledriver from scotts site Current Location: office Subject: 24 hours Time: 09:45 am Current Mood: cranky

i wish there was an easier way to do this. i hate the hassles tied to farewells.

comments: Leave a comment

August 6th, 2007

Current Location: office Subject: cds ii Time: 06:07 pm Current Mood: sleepy

powered by frazy.com

comments: Leave a comment

Current Location: office Subject: pantry Time: 02:56 pm Current Mood: blank

monday mornings ... wendy -> colleague auntie -> cleaning lady no prizes for correctly guessing who "pantry uncle" is.

comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment

August 2nd, 2007

Current Music: colleague furiously typing away on her keyboard Current Location: office Subject: leo Time: 10:26 am Current Mood: working

2 hours 30 minutes and a cigarette-break later ...

comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment

July 30th, 2007

Current Music: in a manner of speaking - nouvelle vague Subject: tattoo Time: 10:14 am Current Mood: chipper

nothing like another tattoo to mark the start of the next chapter.

comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment

July 12th, 2007

Subject: death Time: 09:48 am Current Mood: indescribable

"let's catch up soon" how often do we utter these few words out of convenience; especially when we bump into an acquaintance or a friend whom we don't often keep in contact. "let's catch up soon", i said. last evening we finally did. and as you bow out of the stage, i said "farewell r. it was my pleasure to have made your acquaintance."

comments: Leave a comment

August 29th, 2006

Current Music: suddenly - kd lang Subject: people Time: 08:44 am Current Mood: busy

i see soulless people, commuting to work everyway squeezing into packed carriages hoping to get into their confined office cubicles in the soonest possible time with a vacant look on their faces. i see silly people, running across the platform of the train station just so they could get a seat while in transit, running amidst the others who are also running. i see inconsiderate people, travelling up the escalator and standing on the right side of it while reading the very visible signage "please keep left". i see cheapskate people, crowding around a poor old man who was trying his best to give out the free "today" paper without being trampled to death. i see everyday people living among everyday people behaving like everyday people not respecting other people.

comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment

July 26th, 2006

Current Music: letting the cables sleep - bush Subject: farecard Time: 05:26 pm Current Mood: relaxed

years ago, i used to wonder why some folks took such a long time topping-up their transitlink farecard at the mrt. today, after joining their ranks, i finally understood why. anticipating the expensive season parking at my new office (at least for the next 3 months), coupled with the ERP and CBD charges, i've decided to commute to work via public transport instead of driving, with effect from august. since i can't remember where i last placed my transitlink farecard (it has been many years since i last took a train or bus), it would be wise to get one now. i had no idea how to purchase and approaching a mrt station control would seem the best idea to start. voila! i was able to get one for $15 with a stored value of $7. and because $7 would only be able to last me for a couple of days, so i decided to top-up the value in the farecard. walking over to the ticketing machine, i was baffled over the usage of the machine - to begin with, i wasn't even sure where to insert the farecard. so the gist of it, i took about 5 minutes to complete the whole procedure, which would normally have taken most people about half the time to do so. and it got me thinking, perhaps some folks weren't slow. they just weren't sure how to operate the machine and had to take some time to read the instructions (err ... like me). that brought me to the awareness that we could all do with a little more patience and understanding towards one another. so the next time you see some idiot fumbling at the farecard topping-up machine, please be patient with me.

comments: 7 comments or Leave a comment

July 19th, 2006

Current Music: i wish it was over - teddy thompson Subject: student Time: 02:47 pm Current Mood: cranky

after 5 years of hiatus, i find myself being a student all over again.

comments: Leave a comment

July 12th, 2006

Current Music: stop complaining - skye Subject: ramblings Time: 01:00 am Current Mood: contemplative

life, with its ups and downs often slaps us left right and center when we least expect. life, as a bed of roses, often pricks us with its thorns. "i don't know why, but i can't seem to find the right melody today. i can't make the words fit how i feel." feeling lost and angry sometimes makes me want to shout at the crashing waves. perhaps if i'd to emerge from the crashing waves, i'd feel refreshed and clear-headed - almost biblical, almost baptismal. "i don't know when was the last time that i slept the whole night through. and when the morning comes around, i feel tired." times like these, i rather feel numb than feel anything. because at least feeling numb doesn't drain me out, but feeling anything takes my soul apart. "i drive down to the rodeo, gonna ride a bull in a video. but nothing, nada, neiente. i'm still empty." but as i look up at the stars in the sky, i am reminded how minute i am. here i am, in the midst of a limitless universe. she, she holds more burden than i'll ever imagine. she has seen more chaos, anger, hatred and blood than i'd ever see in my lifetime, and i'm reminded how minute i am. "but you here and i'm here. so i stop complaining, it could be raining. and i see the answer in your eyes. you here and i'm here. i keep on singing, just keep on singing. singing, singing, singing." i keep singing.

comments: Leave a comment

July 8th, 2006

Current Music: porcelain - moby Subject: blessings Time: 02:06 pm Current Mood: mellow

coffee, coronas and cigarettes in the company of two on black leather couch lazy weekday afternoon away from hassles of work soaking in mutual understanding and love. your faces worn like seasoned t-shirts, comfortable long it has been, the 3 of us another place long ago we met we were inexperienced once, and conversations were of uncertainty though hopeful varsity, chapel street, jam & toast of before now turned to ants & roaches patches, house chores and our homes. names surfaced and memories revisited an afternoon of nothing yet a picture worth a photo frame perhaps time froze just for us. for friends so precious i count my blessings.

comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment

July 7th, 2006

Current Music: rapture - iio Subject: savages Time: 04:30 pm Current Mood: amused

"jack russell terriers, first and foremost, are a functional, hunting breed of dog. rather than search the world over to find the perfect hunting companion, parson jack, as he was affectionately known, decided to take the best dogs he could find in his area and breed exactly the type of terrier he sought. thus, the first jack russell terriers were born..." *** upon opening the main door to my apartment, i found my sister stoned in the living room (which was unusual since she isn't someone who can sit still for more than a couple of minutes). she: "rebel and roughie just killed a bird." me : "err? since when did our place have birds?" she: "a bird strayed into my room and they attacked it!" me : "oops ..." she: "i left their handiwork for you to appreciate, it's still lying in my toilet." me : "nice." if you're thinking of having roasted pigeon for dinner, then this is the part of the story which you should skip. stepping into her room, i saw bits and pieces of feathers on the floor. tiny blue feathers, seemed soft to the touch. further investigation revealed droplets of dried blood. as i walked into the toilet, i saw it lying motionless on the floor. it was blue in colour and not bigger than my palm. i'm sure it used to be a little pretty blue thing, happily chirpping away while looking for earthworms. the reason for its size - its head was missing and legs gone. where the head once was, is now replaced by a gashing wound of mangled flesh and blood was still coagulating. i can visibly see teeth marks on its body. poor sod. and my dogs? happily wagging their tails, awaiting me to praise them for a job well-done. rebel & roughie: "a kill! a kill! we made a kill!" hidden inside their seemingly docile and oblivion-to-what's-happening-in-the-world mind is a mean killing machine, ever so ready to lash out at an unsuspecting prey - just like their master.

comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment

June 29th, 2006

Current Music: fallen - sarah mclachlan Subject: hearts Time: 12:20 am Current Mood: pensive

a tired heart in another continent, a chipped heart in the same continent. it breaks my heart just knowing...

comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment

June 28th, 2006

Current Music: be be your love - rachel yamagata Subject: driving Time: 10:38 pm Current Mood: amused

i know very well that i should be keeping my eyes on the road when i'm behind the steering wheel instead of looking elsewhere, but i was distracted. on my way to my lunch appointment today, i decided to use the seletar expressway since i was in ang mo kio and lunch was in tampines. as i turned into the expressway leading to tampines, i couldn't help but notice a number of surveillance cameras which were mounted on the streetlamps along the road (okay, i've never bothered with the cameras before). so i started counting. and the sequence went like this - 1,2,4,6,7,10 (at the exit out of the expressway, so i guess they had to install extra cameras),11,13,14,16,17,20,21... and at this point i had already lost count (not really sure if i had stopped at 21 or 22). as i exited out of the expressway, i think i had passed 40 - 50 cameras. i never knew that they had installed so many bloody cameras along that short span of expressway. you're never alone, cause big brother is really watching. *** so, i was driving to town to meet an ex-colleague for coffee after my lunch, and there was a huge jam on the 3rd lane of the pan-island expressway due to an accident between a mercz and a cab. and since i was stuck at the 3rd lane (with only the 1st and 2nd lanes' traffic crawling along), i decided to signal my intention to filter into the 2nd lane. glancing at my rear-view mirror, i saw a monk approaching with his car in the 2nd lane. and i thought to myself, will he give way and let me into his lane? guess what, i should have known that even monks are human too.

comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment

June 25th, 2006

Current Music: let's murder vivaldi - ben & jason Subject: cds Time: 12:30 pm Current Mood: grumpy

after trading-in 50 over cds to a second-hand shop for a couple of hundred bucks, this is what i'm left with ... powered by frazy.com no new stuffs - yet the old ones are growing moldy and gathering cobwebs ...

comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment

June 23rd, 2006

Current Music: may it be - enya Subject: dinner 2 Time: 12:51 am Current Mood: calm

seems like this week is the time to catch up with ex-partners to clean out the skeletons in each others' closets. seems like this is the week to renew our friendships and count the blessings which life has showered upon us. the relationship which we once had in our hands had progressed into a quiet understanding where both of us can now look back and smile. never had we before managed to understand each other when we were together as a couple during our varsity days in melbourne. it had been a relationship which started out passionately and lovingly, but had dwindled to me being locked in the darkest period of my life. being overwhelmed by my own personal demons which i was unable to address had spiraled me into a state of recluse where even my closest friends and my then-partner could not reach me. i had neglected my studies, my family, my dogs, my friends. and the person who took the brunt of it - was him. our relationship lasted 2 years before it took a plunge for the rocks. then we were young, weak and inadequate. i took to sleeping 14 hours a day; he took to the bottle. we nearly became complete wrecks. the dinner tonight further reinforce the love which we have for each other. the love for a friend who has come to understand each other better after coming out of the relationship. the dinner tonight further reinforce the promise which i had made years ago, that i will always be there for him as a friend. as he got out of the car, he turned around and said to me - "i would really want to come to your partner's and your housewarming." *** yes, i would really want you and your partner to come to our housewarming, and spend many evenings having dinners with us.

comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment

June 22nd, 2006

Current Music: do you remember - jack johnson Subject: miss lum Time: 12:52 pm Current Mood: blank

she wasn't using her microphone today. in fact, her voice was crisp and clear as if she had completely recovered from her throat infection. she looked more serene now as compared to 15 years ago, and definitely healthier than before. i woke up, and a sense of sadness overwhelmed me as i realised that it was but a dream. this is the 2nd time i had dreamed of her ever since she passed away. "she" - was my maths teacher during my secondary school days. soft-spoken and gentle, she was tall and skinny. what was prominent about her was the large-framed glasses which she wore. being the mischevious maris stella boys which we were, we used to joke that she had a striking resemblance to the singaporean actress, abegail. i can't remember exactly when she started using her red-coloured transistor radio and mini-microphone in class. she would apologise and explained that her throat wasn't feeling too good and hence the need to amplify her voice instead of speaking loudly. although we had never spoken aloud, but everyone in class had the same thought - "is miss lum down with throat cancer?" all of us graduated that year, and most of us had gone our separate ways. the teachers which we had during our school days were quickly forgotten, for we were already embarking on our new school term in different colleges and polytechnics. and the call came one day. "miss lum just passed away last night." *** i woke up, and a sense of sadness overwhelmed me as i realised that it was but a dream. this was the 2nd time i had dreamed of her ever since she passed away. so i decided that i should pay my respects to her - the least i can do is to buy her flowers and visit her grave. i gave my old school a call and explained that i am one of the old-boys and inquired if the school has any information regarding miss lum's whereabouts. "oh miss lum kwai fong. yes, i do remember her." "yes that's right, she was my maths teacher then." "i see, but i'm afraid that her body had been sent back to penang for burial after she had passed away." "oh ... alright, thanks for your help." when people come into our lives and leave without saying goodbye, you know deep down that they've never really left.

comments: Leave a comment

Current Music: red book - texas Subject: dinner Time: 02:08 am Current Mood: relaxed

the uncertainty surrounding the situation almost prevented me from sending the sms. and when i finally did press the 'send' button, i nearly whack myself on the forehead. 30 mins later - no reply. 1 hour later - no reply. 1 hour 30 mins later - no reply. considering my behavior 2 years ago, i definitely do not blame him if he doesn't wish to meet up. 2 hours later - "tonight's fine i think. where shall we eat?" although the occasional exchanges at the gym had been cordial and friendly, it has certainly been many moons since we last had a decent sit-down-conversation. not just on-time, but he was early as usual - "i'm here :o) call when you reach." he looked the same, still beaming his winning smile as i approached the table. he looked the same, still as fresh as the 21 year-old whom i first set eyes on 5 years ago. no. he looked different, the smile filled with naivety years before is now replaced with knowledge. the freshness of a 21 year-old is now replaced with fine lines of wisdom and confidence. we ordered our food and then caught up with the details of our lives during the past 2 years. families are well, dogs are healthy, job is moving along alright and both of us have each found our better halves. we agreed that our relationship had its fond and happy memories, but our lives became better after the breakup. "i was surprised when you agreed to meet for dinner." "well, i wasn't ready to see you before." "yes i fully understood why. I had been that horrid huh?" he nodded. of course i knew that "horrid" was an understatement. during the last few months of the relationship, i had failed to handle the situation in a humane and mature way. i had subjected him to pain, and that was 4 months of emotional pain when he was still living with me. as the dinner progressed and the conversation had shifted to our relationship, layers of questions and doubts faded away bit by bit. we were finally able to vanquish the demons of our relationship and throw out the skeletons in our closets. we talked, we laughed, and a part of my heart was filled with the unexplainable feeling of regret. regret, at how i had failed him. i thought i was mature enough to protect him from being hurt by the reality of working life, manipulating people and society's lies. but ironically, i was the one who had single-handedly caused the most hurt to him. and i did so by being me. when i dropped him off at his apartment, he turned around, smiled and gave me a pat on the shoulder. "take care." and as he walked towards the lift with me driving out of his carpark, we both know that we had existed in each others' lives for a reason. "thank you."

comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment

June 17th, 2006

Subject: identity card Time: 01:15 am Current Mood: amused

me : a pack of marlboro menthol lights and a pack of marlboro menthol please. she : okay, identity card please. me : err ... ?? she : *blank look* me : *takes out ic* she : *takes a look* she : oohh ... sorry. me : it's alright. it is a compliment.

comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment